It’s the “State of the Union” tonight, and everyone is excited to hear what Obama has to say this time. Just kidding. We all know exactly what he’s going to say. In fact, many of us (maybe projecting here) would rather listen to nails on a chalkboard for 90 minutes than have to sit through another um, er- “I’ve said this many times before, and I’ll say it again-” lecture. But if you find yourself in the position of having to endure the SOTU address… perhaps you are a history teacher, or politics junkie, or Guantanamo Bay inmate with a particularly cruel warden… I have devised for your benefit a way to watch the SOTU and get in shape at the same time! If you are not concerned with getting a good workout, feel free to subsitute all exercises with a sip of the beverage of your choice. Let me be clear: just follow these simple rules.
Every time Obama:
1. Issues a “call for action” … Do 10 crunches.
2. Blames the Republicans/ “Congress” for failing to act… Do 20 mountain climbers.
3. Hints that he will overstep his Constitutional authority and bypass Congress to get things done (ex: “I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a phone”)… Do 10 push-ups.
4. Uses one of his new, focus-group tested euphemisms for income inequality (ex: “ladders of opportunity”)… Do 10 leg lifts.
5. Divides America by race, class, or gender… Do 15 squats.
6. Presents a false dichotomy and/or “straw man” argument… 20 mountain climbers.
7. Refers to an honored guest in the crowd as evidence that his policies are working… 10 sit-ups.
8. Claims that after 5 years the economy is showing signs of improvement… 10 push-ups.
9. Details how the middle class is struggling in the present economy… 25 jumping jacks.
10. Proposes an idea that has been proven not to help the middle class (ex: universal pre-K, raise minimum wage, amnesty)… 20 leg lifts.
11. Acknowledges the “bumps in the road” or “glitches” in the Obamacare rollout but vows to press on… 50 crunches.
12. Causes Joe Biden and/or John Boehner to fall asleep… 10 push-ups.
13. Apologizes to the American people for his role in the IRS, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, or NSA scandals… Run half marathon.
Should be a good workout! And remember, we only get two more of these.